this article. Basically, this is a prettily-wrapped gift to Internet commentators who enjoy
writing posts or hate mail about how fucked up I am, or about how dysfunctional S&M
is. I guess there's no help for that.
* * *
"I'm fascinated that you've adopted feminism so thoroughly," my mother told me once. "I
never felt like I was into feminism like you are."
"What?" I said. "Are you serious?"
"Well, feminism shaped my life," she said. "I really had my consciousness raised by
some of my experiences. Not just being raped, but by other things, like seeing the anger
and resentment among my mother and her sisters. Feminism helped me understand how
women compete and put each other down because we're put in that position by men who
have power over us. Sometimes, we're like animals who have been starved into fighting
for scraps.
"But," my mother continued, "I've never been sure about calling myself a feminist. There
have always been a lot of feminist areas I didn't feel welcome. Your dad was a card-
carrying member of the National Organization for Women when I met him, and I refused
to join. We used to joke about it. And you remember that recent article about the history
of Ms. Magazine you emailed me? In the article, Gloria Steinem says that anyone could
have walked into the Ms. office in the 1970s and gotten a job. But I certainly never felt
like I could do that. I was actually living in New York when Ms. started, and I was even
working in publishing... but I grew up on a farm in the midwest, and I wasn't like the
women who ran Ms. They felt like a club."
My upbringing has not been like my mother's. I grew up with a lot more privilege; my
mother used to call me a spoiled "princess" when she was angry, and one of my exboyfriends
used to tease me by calling me "East Coast Intellectual." Yet in a lot of ways,
it took me a while to get into feminism, too. Gender issues have always been a strand of
my thinking, but plenty of feminist discourse never impressed me. In university, I felt
like everything I heard from feminism was a tortured conspiracy theory. And although I
identified as "feminist" from the very beginning of blogging, it was out of a sense of
resistance rather than feeling included. I felt like: Goddamnit, I will show you that I can
be an independent and rational woman who values voting and abortion rights and equal
opportunity and consent -- and be into S&M at the same damn time.
As I kept writing, I was looking at other blogs about gender and sexuality, too. The ones
whose analysis really spoke to me were usually feminist blogs. And those were also,
often, the bloggers who noticed me in return. My work was highlighted by a number of
feminist writers who wanted to raise my profile. Talking to them, I began to understand
some sophisticated critiques that I'd previously labeled "conspiracy theories." I expanded
my understanding of topics like rape culture, as well as "tangential" social justice issues
like race and class. My mother said to me, long afterwards: "Feminism really reached out
and grabbed you, didn't it."
In 2011, I heard from a feminist friend about organizations that train volunteer advocates
for rape survivors. In Chicago and many other cities, when people who have been raped
go to the emergency room, the hospital will ask if they want an advocate. The advocate's
role is to provide immediate crisis counseling and to help the survivor deal with
complexities of the medical and legal system. The minute I heard about advocacy, I knew
I wanted to do it.
In 1970, my mother didn't have an advocate, for the simple reason that advocates did not
yet exist. Rape Trauma Syndrome was first recognized by feminists in the 1970s, and
assault advocacy was developed by feminists during that time as well.
I told Mom all about the advocacy curriculum while I was completing it, and she drank
up every detail. "I never got support like that," she said. "My boyfriend insisted that we
go to the emergency room, and I guess he tried to advocate for me, but the doctors and
nurses ignored me for 20 hours and then sent me home. It was worse that the nurses did.
If sisterhood was powerful, then couldn't they reach out to me somehow?" (Rape
survivors -- at least in Illinois -- are now prioritized in emergency rooms, second only to
life-and-death situations.)
Mom often regales me with tales about how things used to be. For example, when she
became editor of her college newspaper in the 1960s, all the dudes on staff quit because
they wouldn't work under a woman. (Some returned later, rather sheepishly.) Other
favorites have to do with menstruation. It turns out that back in the day, doctors – who
were of course always male -- simply refused to accept the existence of PMS.
Apparently, it was accepted among doctors that a woman who felt cramps while
menstruating was "making it up." (Female nurses who attempted to describe the actual
feeling were ignored.) It was understood that a woman who felt unusually emotional or
even in physical pain while menstruating was just being moody and hysterical. (You
know how women are!) As more women became doctors and feminism gained traction
and science advanced with a broader perspective and scientists discovered the actual
physical causes of cramps, PMS became recognized as a real thing. Cramps were no
longer "typical female hysteria."
Which, of course, makes it all the more ironic that PMS is now often used as an excuse to
discount women as hysterical. It makes me laugh, in my cynical way.
It's kind of astonishing that a woman like my mother would disclaim a strong connection
with feminism. And yet she does.
* * *
This year I had my first Full-On Internet Feminist Scandal, during which I received hate
mail and hate comments from other feminists. (I name the event in capital letters because
email from other feminists, some of whom I don't even know, has told me that if you
stick with Internet Feminism long enough, it's basically inevitable that you obtain one of
these.) The worst of it fell on a holiday when I was visiting my mother. Mom was helping
out at church, and wanted me to attend the sermon. I sobbed for hours before leaving
home; I managed to make it to church, but I was such a wreck when I got there that she
put me in a back room so I could be alone to cry.
To be clear, I definitely think that I've screwed up on some social justice issues in the
past, and I'm sure that I will in the future. I am doing my best to keep myself honest and
work on the areas where I've been called out. That's a crucial part of social justice work,
and it's one I try to take seriously.
But I have to tell you, the piece I wrote that drew the biggest backlash was one that my
mother loved. (In the interests of accountability, I'll say that I do think a lot of the
critiques are valid and important, like this one for example -- and, for those in the
audience who are familiar with feminist call-out culture, I recommend a couple insightful
comments from a brilliant Feministe commenter named saurus.) When I wrote the initial
draft, I felt so uncertain that I asked Mom to review it, and she said: "I think this is one of
the best things you've ever written." Yet one key factor in many of these critiques is that I
failed to make enough space for rape survivors. I plan to write differently about the topic
in the future, but there's real irony in the fact that the most important rape survivor in my
life believes that one of my best pieces is the same one that got me hate mail for failing
rape survivors. (Of course, I also received incredibly personal comments about my sex
life. The Feminist Sex Wars ain't over yet.)
Mom and I discussed it later, of course. She read some of the commentary online, and she
came back shaking her head. "The things some feminists are saying about you really
floored me," she said. "But I'm not completely surprised. Feminism has always been one
of those movements that eats its young. That's one reason I never identified with it. I
think there are a lot of people my age who started out living feminist lives, who now
wouldn't be caught dead calling themselves feminist. Women who had careers, who
raised sensitive, loving sons and strong daughters... who find the baggage of the 'feminist'
label distasteful."
I've thought a lot about my mother's comment that feminism "eats its young." One 2009
New Yorker article about feminism by Ariel Levy offered an interesting analysis of
feminist divisions, but included one offhand claim that isn't explained or justified:
"Revolutions are supposed to devour their young." Is that so? Nobody told me. (Perhaps
ironically, Levy presents this claim while stating that feminism has actually turned
against its elders.)
Some commentators have told me that if I can't take the heat, then I just shouldn't write
about feminism. It hurts to think it, but maybe they're right. Somehow, the idea of being
"a good feminist" has become utterly tangled up in my identity. It's a weak spot and a
sore spot, in a way that I didn't anticipate and don't fully understand. I find social justice
criticism to be nourishing when it's generous and constructive, sometimes even when it's
aggressive -- but sometimes it feels so incredibly destructive. But as I said, I'm not at all
the only feminist writer who feels that the community can be internally destructive. How
much of the problem is the vitriol within some critiques, and how much is that feminism
has become "who we are" rather than "something we do"?
I think we can all agree that it's good to call out other people when they're screwing up --
but there has to be a way for us to build a movement without eating our young. Yet from
what my mother tells me, we've never been good at that.
On the bright side, I don't have to engage politically with feminism in order to be a
feminist, or volunteer for feminist causes, or do feminist work. And it helps to understand
that I don't have to be "a good feminist" for my mother to be proud of me. (My dad's
another matter.)
* * *
During one of our recent conversations, I confirmed again with my mother that I had
permission to write about her experience. Then I asked her if she's out of the closet as a
rape survivor.
"I don't know," she said thoughtfully. "I guess so. I don't really think about it. I'm happy
with my life now." She paused and drank her tea for a moment. "I don't think of myself as
a rape survivor anymore," she added. "By 1980, ten years after the attack, I really thought
I was emerging from the cave. And I was, but I was still metaphorically covered in dirt
and cobwebs, with grit in my mouth. In the first few years I was with your dad -- the
early 1980s -- I had residual fears. I had become frightened by subways, elevators, and
surprise noises, and he helped me work my way through those very effectively. By 25
years, it was simply no longer a part of my current self. I'd say I am wiser and stronger
for it, but I think an experience so shocking is a lousy way to build character. And a
waste of time! I lost too many years. I hope that things like victim advocacy saves
people."
I'm glad that my mother feels good about life today, and I myself don't have the urge to
track those guys down and rend them limb from limb. (Much.) Yet I wonder if the men
who attacked her ever think about what they did. I wonder if the ex-boyfriend ever
understood how thoroughly he brutalized someone he claimed to love, or how male
privilege played a role in his actions. These days, I write a lot about masculinity, and I try
to understand men's perspective on gender issues. Writing about men and gender is tricky
territory, though. What if I end up shoring up the entitlement that led that those assholes
to attack my mom?
Mom told me that she Googled her rapist ex-boyfriend. He has three daughters. She
wonders whether he ever thinks about it, too.
Naturally, I also think a lot about feminism, and how we can make it both effective and
welcoming. What does it mean when people call it a movement that "eats its young"?
What does it mean that feminism has become so tied up in identity? What does it mean
when a rape survivor who had a career and raised a feminist daughter won't call herself a
feminist? What does it mean that taking on the "feminist" label means taking on a host of
other associations -- associations that even women like my mother are unwilling to
accept?
* * *
This can be found on the Internet at:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/05/25/my-moms-rape-story-and-a-confusedrelationship-with-feminism/
* * *
* * *
* * *
Section 3 Study Guide
Having established the building blocks of Section 1, and the extra perspectives of Section
2, this section was intended to pull together some seriously multi-layered syntheses.
* * *
1. Is it hard to relate BDSM theory and practice to feminism or anti-rape activism? If so,
then how is it hard? If not, then why do some people believe that there are difficulties?
* * *
2. Which issues of sexuality do you feel clear about, and which do you feel foggy or
uncertain about? How and why?
2a. Do you have a sense of what makes you feel strong and centered in your sexuality and
relationships? If so, how do you go about establishing those factors in your life?
* * *
3. Did you have a particularly hostile or excited reaction to any of these pieces? If so,
why?
* * *
4. Are there any binaries or bright lines that you're questioning as a result of reading these
pieces?
4a. Could questioning those divisions have an impact upon your identity, or upon the way
you act towards others?
* * *
5. What are the overarching patterns that you see within the pieces in this section? How
are these disparate topics relevant to each other?
5a. Does this stuff really have to be so complicated?
* * *
* * *
* * *
About The Author
* * *
Clarisse Thorn is a feminist, sex-positive educator who has delivered sex-related lectures
and workshops to a variety of audiences, including New York's Museum of Sex, San
Francisco's Center for Sex & Culture, and universities across the USA. She created and
curated the original Sex+++ sex-positive documentary film series at Chicago's historic
feminist site, Jane Addams Hull-House Museum. She has also volunteered as an
archivist, curator and fundraiser for that venerable S&M institution, the Leather Archives
& Museum. In 2010, Clarisse returned from working on HIV mitigation in sub-Saharan
Africa. Her writing has appeared across the Internet in many many places. She blogs
about feminist sexuality with a focus on S&M at clarissethorn.com, and tweets
@clarissethorn.
Handy links for connecting with Clarisse:
Blog: http://clarissethorn.com/blog
Twitter: http://twitter.com/ClarisseThorn
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/clarisse.thorn
Find other Smashwords books by Clarisse:
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/clarissethorn
* * *
Also check out Clarisse's awesome book
Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser!
* * *
There's a huge subculture of men who trade tips, tricks, and tactics for seducing women.
Clarisse Thorn, a feminist S&M writer and activist, spent years researching these guys.
She observed their discussions, watched them in action, and learned their strategies. By
the end, she'd given a lecture at a seduction convention. This is her story -- and her
theories about feminism and seduction to boot.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/144451
In paperback: https://www.createspace.com/3830583
* * *
* * *
* * *
Clarisse's Lectures, Workshops and Events
Thank you so much for reading my work. Now for the hustle!
I'm not just a writer -- I also give lectures and workshops, and organize events. Here's a
short list of some of the lectures, workshops and events I offer. I'm available by email at
clarisse.thorn@gmail.com, if you'd like to bring me in.
* * *
* Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser. There's a whole subculture out there devoted
to teaching men how to seduce women. Over the last few years, these underground
"pickup artists" have slowly surfaced into the popular consciousness, with the help of
bestselling books like Neil Strauss's The Game and hit reality shows like VH1's The
Pick-Up Artist. I spent two years doing on-and-off research into these Casanovas. In this
lecture I discuss my experiences talking to pickup artists, learning their techniques,
understanding their community frameworks and norms, and eventually giving them tips
on how to seduce women... all of which culminated in my book, Confessions of a Pickup
Artist Chaser: Long Interviews With Hideous Men. This presentation was originally
created for a lunchtime talk at the Center for Gender Studies at the University of Chicago,
and I can deliver it in 90 minutes or less.
* Leadership in the Bedroom: A Sexual Communication Workshop. Down-to-earth
tips and ideas on how to communicate clearly about sex. This workshop was originally
requested by the University of Illinois at Chicago, but I've given versions of it at other
venues as well. It was one of the first workshops I ever designed, and I'm currently
working on streamlining it and making it more interactive. I can do it in an hour, but it's
really better with two hours.
* BDSM Overview. Imagery deriving from bondage, discipline, dominance, submission,
and sadomasochism (BDSM) is becoming commonplace -- and we all know (or think we
know) what a dominatrix is -- but most people don't have much idea of what BDSM
actually involves. Although it is increasingly accepted as an alternative sexual
orientation, BDSM remains surrounded by stigma, scandal and occasional legal action.
This presentation covers the basics of BDSM (however, it's not a how-to lecture -- you
aren't going to learn how to use a whip, though you'll learn where to go to find out!). I
prefer to poll the audience to see what they want to cover on top of that -- BDSM history?
cultural landmarks? BDSM & feminism? legal issues? I've got it all! I have given this
lecture more than any other. It can be squished into an hour, but I prefer two hours.
* Sex-Positivity for Everyone! Including the Mens! What is masculinity or male
advocacy as a movement, and how is it in dialogue with contemporary feminism? Can it
be incorporated into feminism, or can the values of the sex-positive feminist community
speak to its concerns? What does positive, productive talk about masculinity sound like? I
talk about all this in a short lecturette and then facilitate small discussions on kinky male
sexuality, men in the pickup artist community, and men who buy sex. This workshop was
originally requested by the University of Chicago, and based on feedback from that
experience and others, I have been adapting it. It should take about 90 minutes.
* The Sex+++ Film Series at Jane Addams Hull-House Museum and related film
screenings. I have now overseen many many screenings of sex-positive documentaries,
and facilitated followup discussions afterwards. In the past I have done this primarily to
accomplish my own activist educational goals or to raise funds for deserving institutions,
but I'd be happy to run a screening or two upon request. Please note, however, that I don't
own the rights to all the films I've screened, and so if you want me to run a screening for
you, you may need to budget extra in order to cover the rights. I started the Sex+++ Film
Series at Chicago's Jane Addams Hull-House Museum, and as I write this in 2012, the
film series is in its fourth year. You can look at the film series calendar here:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/03/17/the-sex-positive-documentary-film-list-2011-
2012/
I would certainly be willing to design a new workshop or lecture upon request -- in fact,
two of the above events were created at the request of the institutions that invited me.
* * *
* * *
* * *
Footnotes
All these links were last checked in early 2012.
* * *
Section 1: The Basics
* * *
S&M: Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story
1. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionalsdirectory/kap-directory-homepage.html
-- [back]
* * *
Education: Liberal, Sex-Positive Sex Education: What's Missing
1. The Unitarian Universalist Our Whole Lives curriculum: http://www.uua.org/re/owl/ --
[back]
2. New Yorker review of the new Joy of Sex:
http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2009/01/05/090105crbo_books_levy --
[back]
3. Synopsis of conservative book Modern Sex: http://www.manhattaninstitute.org/modern/
-- [back]
4. Cuddle parties: http://current.com/shows/max-and-jason-still-up/89557966_first-timecuddle-party.htm
-- [back]
5. Scarleteen's sexual inventory checklist:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklis
t -- [back]
6. Yes Means Yes blog on how affirmative communication combats rape:
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/01/16/the-words-that-come-after-i-want/ --
[back]
* * *
Communication: Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: Checklists
1. Example of a BDSM checklist: http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm -- [back]
2. Scarleteen's sex checklist:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklis
t -- [back]
* * *
Communication: Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: Journal-Keeping
1. Submissive journaling prompts: http://bdsmsexperts.blogspot.com/2010/07/submissive-journaling-prompts.html
-- [back]
* * *
Communication: Sex Communication Case Studies
1. The previous post about a really problematic relationship:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/03/01/storytime-how-my-life-wasnt-always-happyfun-boundaries-are-perfect-land/
-- [back]
* * *
Feminism: Towards My Personal Sex-Positive Feminist 101
1. An excellent definition and discussion of the word "cisgendered," by trans activist
Asher Bauer: http://carnalnation.com/content/49458/1067/word-day-cis -- [back]
2. Analysis of the "virgin" shoot at Kink.com:
http://missmaggiemayhem.com/2011/01/12/virginity/ -- [back]
3. Most women don't achieve orgasm through penis-in-vagina sex alone:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_cant_orgasm_from_intercourse_and_its_ruini
ng_my_relationship -- [back]
4. Asexual writer discusses sex-positive feminism:
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2012/02/07/an-asexual-map-for-sex-positivefeminism/
-- [back]
* * *
S&M: S&M Superpowers
1. Study demonstrates that BDSM desires do not arise from abuse:
http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/bondage-lovers-normal-maybe-even-happier/storye6frfkp9-1111117296864
-- [back]
2. A post of mine on nonsensical stigma, in the context of whore stigma:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2010/12/17/whore-stigma-makes-no-sense/ -- [back]
3. Psychology paper "Learning from Extraordinary Lovers" by Peggy Kleinplatz:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16803770 -- [back]
4. Study finds that consensual S&M increases intimacy:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18563549 -- [back]
* * *
S&M: BDSM Can Be "Love Sex" Too
1. Rachel Rabbit White's "Lady Porn Day": http://rachelrabbitwhite.com/ladypornday/ --
[back]
* * *
S&M: Body Chemistry and S&M
1. Awesome page on aftercare:
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/chrismaftercare.htm -- [back]
2. EduKink is a pair of San Francisco S&M educators: http://www.edukink.org/ -- [back]
* * *
Orgasmic "Dysfunction": A Unified Theory of Orgasm
1. A tactic called "gaslighting" is a common one used by emotional abusers:
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/11/21/one-abuse-script-with-many-faces/ --
[back]
2. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-
directory/kap-directory-homepage.html -- [back]
3. Betty Dodson's video "Did I Orgasm?": http://www.youtube.com/v/rkCihT1mkmc --
[back]
4. Our definitions of orgasm are fairly narrow:
http://sexuality.about.com/od/anatomyresponse/a/what_is_orgasm.htm -- [back]
* * *
Boundaries: Orgasms Aren't My Favorite Part Of Sex, and My Chastity Urge
1. Deliberately limiting orgasms for a more amorous relationship:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/too-many-orgasms/ -- [back]
2. Scarleteen discusses women and "squirting" orgasms:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/squirt_on_female_ejaculation -- [back]
* * *
Evolution: Sexual Openness: Two Ways To Encourage It
1. Comstock Films makes documentaries about real couples and how they have sex:
http://comstockfilms.com/ -- [back]
2. CineKink, "the really alternative film festival": http://cinekink.com -- [back]
* * *
Relationships: Fear, Loathing, and S&M Sluthood in San Francisco
1. My blog post "There It Is": http://clarissethorn.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/litquotestorytime-there-it-is/
-- [back]
2. The Sutro Baths, extraordinary ruins in San Francisco:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/vicster/2816355231/in/set-72157607093679758/ -- [back]
3. A blog post I wrote on the perils of vanilla-but-questioning dudes:
http://clarissethorn.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/bdsm-vs-vanilla-part-1-why-i-pretend-idont-date-vanilla-but-questioning-men/
-- [back]
4. The "lost" 21st chapter of A Clockwork Orange: http://www.visualmemory.co.uk/amk/doc/0062.html
-- [back]
* * *
S&M: BDSM As A Sexual Orientation, and Complications of the Orientation Model
1. BDSM-phobic thread on a radical feminist blog:
http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2009/02/07/please-somebody-come-and-defendkinkcom/
-- [back]
2. BDSM-related discrimination case and orientation notes from Charles Moser:
http://www.xtra.ca/public/Vancouver/BDSM_lifestyler_unfit_to_drive_a_limo_police-
6577.aspx -- [back]
* * *
S&M: BDSM "versus" Sex
1. Definition of "prostitution" shifts and NYC dominatrixes are arrested:
http://sexinthepublicsquare.org/ElizabethsBlog/ncsf-statement-on-pro-dom-work-andprostitution-statutes
-- [back]
2. Marty Klein's "Is There Such A Thing As Kinky Sex?":
http://www.sexualintelligence.org/newsletters/issue128.html - three -- [back]
3. maymay on "kinky" not being limited to BDSM:
http://maybemaimed.com/2010/10/05/honor-thy-language-kinky-is-an-adjective-not-anactivity/
-- [back]
4. Quasi-conservative organization Taken In Hand: http://www.takeninhand.com/ --
[back]
5. Comment from saurus: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/10/09/bdsmversus-sex-part-1-divide-and-conquer/
- comment-397105 -- [back]
6. Feministe post on the "violent sex" article:
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/07/12/violent-sex-writer-compromisessafety-of-rape-survivor/
-- [back]
7. Comment from Jadey: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/06/27/the-bestmost-disturbing-thing-you-will-read-today/
- comment-373440 -- [back]
8. Mac McClelland's "Violent Sex" article: http://www.good.is/post/how-violent-sexhelped-ease-my-ptsd/
-- [back]
9. My old post "Casual Sex? Casual Kink?":
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2008/12/26/casual-sex-casual-kink/ -- [back]
* * *
S&M: BDSM Roles, "Topping From The Bottom," and "Service Top"
1. Thomas MacAulay Millar on "Domism":
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/domism-role-essentialism-andsexism-intersectionality-in-the-bdsm-scene/
-- [back]
* * *
S&M: "Inherent Female Submission": The Wrong Question
1. The Topologies blog features three dominant female contributors:
http://topologies.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/shifting-the-discourse-on-femaledominance/
-- [back]
2. Research on proportion of submissive BDSM women:
http://kinkresearch.blogspot.com/2009/10/sex-role-ratio.html -- [back]
3. The female dominant blogger Bitchy Jones is pissed:
http://bitchyjones.wordpress.com/2009/03/14/bondage-awards-not-actually-sexist-onpurpose/
-- [back]
4. The male submissive blogger maymay is pissed: http://maybemaimed.com/2007/08/04/
what-sexuality-might-taste-like-if-you-were-a-submissive-man-in-2007/ -- [back]
* * *
Manliness: Fifty Shades of Grey, Fight Club, and the Complications of Male
Dominance
1. The sex writer Violet Blue offers some hilarious Fifty Shades commentary and
linkfarming: http://www.tinynibbles.com/blogarchives/2012/04/fifty-shades-oflinkbait.html
The writer A.V. Flox also did a really great analysis of how badly Fifty
Shades deals with S&M: http://www.blogher.com/troubling-message-fifty-shades-grey --
[back]
2. Pepper Mint's blog: http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/ -- [back]
* * *
Abuse: The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team
1. The post on SM-Feminist about the prevalence of abuse in the community: http://smfeminist.blogspot.com/2007/11/wut-about-abuuuuuuuuuuzers.html
-- [back]
2. A post on SM-Feminist about an abuse survivor who learned to set boundaries and
protect herself through BDSM: http://sm-feminist.blogspot.com/2008/01/not-your-usualbdsm-and-abuse-story.html
-- [back]
3. Thomas MacAulay Millar's article "Not What We Do":
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/not-what-we-do/ -- [back]
4. Front image of a pamphlet about abuse in BDSM:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/35620214@N02/3488055736/ -- Back image of same
pamphlet: http://www.flickr.com/photos/35620214@N02/3487239893/ -- [back]
5. Statement on BDSM and abuse from the Leather Leadership Conference:
http://www.leatherleadership.org/library/diffsmabuse.htm -- Statement on BDSM and
abuse from the Lesbian Sex Mafia: http://lesbiansexmafia.org/lsmnyc/bdsm-is-not-abuse/
-- [back]
6. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionalsdirectory/kap-directory-homepage.html
-- [back]
* * *
Section 2: Activism and Allies
* * *
Activism: Grassroots Organizing For Feminism, S&M, HIV, and Everything Else
1. Bitch Magazine's Feminist Coming-Out Day Blog Carnival:
http://bitchmagazine.org/post/feminist-coming-out-day-blog-carnival -- [back]
2. My sex-positive documentary film series:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/03/17/the-sex-positive-documentary-film-list-2011-
2012/ -- [back]
3. Pamphlet on making a group egalitarian but well-organized:
http://struggle.ws/hist_texts/structurelessness.html -- [back]
4. Chicago's Rape Victim Advocates: http://www.rapevictimadvocates.org/ -- [back]
5. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionalsdirectory/kap-directory-homepage.html
-- [back]
6. My advice on activism in Africa: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2010/01/31/clarissesadvice-column-arises-again-masculinity-african-activism/
-- [back]
7. An general overview I wrote of housing co-ops: http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-andrelationships/details/2012-04-housing-co-ops-arent-just-for-hippies
-- [back]
8. North American Students of Cooperation: http://nasco.coop/ -- [back]
* * *
Activism: Interview with Richard Berkowitz, Star of Sex Positive and Icon of Safer
Sex Activism
1. My original review of the film: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2009/02/11/sex-positivedocumentary-report-2-sex-positive/
-- [back]
2. Gay Male SM Activists was one of the first S&M advocacy organizations ever: http://
www.gmsma.org/ -- [back]
* * *
Abuse: Social Responsibility Within Activism
1. Problems of prisons:
http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2012/01/30/120130crat_atlarge_gopnik?
currentPage=all -- [back]
* * *
Masculinity: Questions I Want To Ask Entitled Cis Het Men
1. Thomas MacAulay Millar on masculinity:
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/05/27/things-cis-het-men-are-afraid-to-talkabout/
-- [back]
2. "Precarious Manhood" paper: Vandello et al. "Precarious Manhood." Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 95, No. 6, 1325 – 1339. 2008. -- [back]
3. Men's Rights Activists: the "most discriminated against" quotation came from Kuster,
Elizabeth. Exorcising Your Ex. Fireside, 1996. Also, long after the publication of my blog
posts, the politics website AlterNet did a profile of the MRA movement:
http://www.alternet.org/teaparty/154617/Leader's_Suicide_Reveals_Frightening,_Violent
,_Organized_Misogyny_Movement/?page=entire -- [back]
4. Sexism in BDSM: http://maybemaimed.com/2009/10/02/dont-you-fret-sexism-is-aliveand-well-in-bdsm/
-- [back]
5. Seriously, these posters are awesome: http://www.reachandteach.com/store/index.php?
l=product_detail&p=50 -- [back]
6. Alienating men with Thomas MacAulay Millar:
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/who-is-bidding-on-natalie-dylansvirginity
-- [back]
* * *
Education: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 1: Abstinence
1. Chris Hall's blog: http://literateperversions.com/ -- [back]
2. My archive of articles at CarnalNation: http://carnalnation.com/users/clarisse-thorn --
[back]
3. Unitarian sex education: http://www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/ourwhole/ --
[back]
4. Another article on declining sexual satiation and how it can contribute to romantic
feelings: http://www.marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2009/08/againstsatiation.html
-- [back]
* * *
Education: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 2: Be Faithful
1. Helen Epstein's 2004 article "The Fidelity Fix": http://www.nytimes.com/2004/06/13/
magazine/13AIDS.html -- [back]
2. 2007 Washington Post article on multiple partners in Botswana:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2007/03/01/AR2007030101607.html
-- [back]
* * *
Education: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 3: Condoms
1. Religious educators saying that encouraging condom usage waters down their
message: http://www.thinkingfaith.org/articles/20090325_1.htm -- [back]
2. Underprivileged populations "choosing" to contract HIV: Ticktin, Miriam. "Where
Ethics and Politics Meet: The Violence of Humanitarianism in France." American
Ethnologist volume 33, number 1, 2006. Ticktin herself cites an April 6, 2005 National
Public Radio broadcast by Nicoli Nattrass, which outlined cases of people infecting
themselves with HIV in southern Africa. For an especially haunting and personal account
of deliberate self-infection, see also Sylvie C. Tourigny's "Some New Dying Trick:
African American Youths 'Choosing' HIV/AIDS." Qualitative Health Research volume
8, number 2, 1998. -- [back]
3. Helen Epstein's 2004 article "The Fidelity Fix": http://www.nytimes.com/2004/06/13/
magazine/13AIDS.html -- [back]
4. Reasonable laws regulating sex work were being discussed in South Africa around the
time of the World Cup: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/oct/11/legalise-worldcup-sex-trade
-- [back]
* * *
Activism: Colonized Libidos
1. Rest in peace, Pitseng Vilakati: http://carnalnation.com/content/44250/1133/restpeace-pitseng-vilakati
-- [back]
2. An argument that the places in Africa where homosexuality is most strongly punished
are some of the best to actually be gay: http://chrisblattman.com/2010/03/10/is-uganda-agood-place-to-be-gay/
-- [back]
3. An argument that much of Africa was less homophobic pre-Western influence:
http://isnblog.ethz.ch/culture/gay-rights-–-and-wrongs-–-in-africa -- [back]
4. The Patriarchy allegedly made me kinky: http://smfeminist.blogspot.com/2008/10/why-bdsm.html
-- [back]
* * *
Vegan: Confections of a Pickup Artist Chaser
1. Kinsey Hope's activist typology: http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2009/10/03/a-m-ocommunication/
-- [back]
2. Characterized as an "Appeaser" activist type, plus tactical discussion:
http://www.amptoons.com/blog/2011/02/18/response-to-clarisse-thorns-backlash-2-nukeand-appease-please-be-a-bothand-blogiverse/
-- [back]
3. Free vegan starter guide: http://www.veganoutreach.org/guide/ -- [back]
4. List of vegan cookbooks: http://vegan.com/cookbooks/ -- [back]
5. Things that happen to animals on factory farms:
http://www.veganoutreach.org/whyvegan/ or this video:
http://www.mercyforanimals.org/farm-to-fridge.aspx -- [back]
6. Vegan FAQ: http://vegan.com/articles/faq/ -- [back]
7. Salon article on "humane" farms: http://www.salon.com/2005/04/13/milk_3/ -- [back]
8. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe originally from:
http://www.essortment.com/unbeatable-vegan-chocolate-chip-oatmeal-cookie-recipe-
13043.html -- [back]
9. Frying tofu with a nice crust: http://www.tastehongkong.com/recipes/how-to-pan-frytofu-with-crust-is-simple/
-- [back]
* * *
Polyamory: In Praise of Monogamy
1. Poly vs. swingers at Polyamory In The News:
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/12/polys-vs-swingers-as-viewed-from-
2010.html -- [back]
2. Polyamory relationship contract:
http://www.scarletletters.com/current/021403_nf_rk.html -- [back]
3. Someone else's blog post on managing New Relationship Energy in polyamory: http://
www.adrienneparker.com/2010/07/nre-in-polyamorous-relationships.html -- [back]
4. How choosing no orgasms can increase couple bonding:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/too-many-orgasms/ -- [back]
5. 40% of young couples don't agree whether they're monogamous:
http://www.charlieglickman.com/2011/02/new-research-young-couples-disagree-aboutwhether-theyre-monogamous/
-- [back]
6. The "slippery slope" argument against gay marriage:
http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/jurisprudence/2004/05/slippery_slop.ht
ml -- [back]
7. Monogamous privilege checklist:
http://www.eastportlandblog.com/2011/04/05/monogamous-privilege-checklist-by-corydavis/
-- [back]
8. White privilege checklist: http://www.nymbp.org/reference/WhitePrivilege.pdf --
[back]
* * *
Sex Work: One Blurred Edge of Sex Work: Portrait of a Sugar Baby
1. The SeekingArrangement blog post, "Sugar Baby and Sugar Daddy: The Modern Day
Princess and Prince?": http://www.seekingarrangement.com/blog/?p=5456 -- [back]
2. 2009 New York Times Magazine article on SeekingArrangement:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/12/magazine/12sugardaddies-t.html?pagewanted=all --
[back]
* * *
Sex Work: A Sugar Baby Leaves The Business
1. The SeekingArrangement blog post, "Sugar Baby and Sugar Daddy: The Modern Day
Princess and Prince?": http://www.seekingarrangement.com/blog/?p=5456 -- [back]
2. The SeekingArrangement blog post, "Sugar Babies Do Fall In Love":
http://www.seekingarrangement.com/blog/?p=5561 -- [back]
3. Mistress Matisse on sex work and emotional labor: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/
Content?oid=26113 and also: http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-expectingbit-of-heat-from.html
-- [back]
4. Tyler Knight on emotional difficulties as a porn star:
http://tylerknight.com/2011/12/18/oneironaut-at-wrest/ -- [back]
* * *
Section 3: Making It Complicated
* * *
Relationships: Chemistry
1. Infamous article "Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough":
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/ -- [back]
* * *
Evolution: You Don't Always Know What You're Thinking
1. Autumn Whitefield-Madrano on the "fog of abuse":
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/08/i-can-handle-it-on-relationshipviolence-independence-and-capability/
-- [back]
2. My old post "Am I Evolving Away From Monogamy?": http://clarissethorn.com/blog/
2010/05/11/am-i-evolving-away-from-monogamy/ -- [back]
* * *
Abuse: Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse
1. Pepper Mint's essay "Towards A General Theory of BDSM and Power":
http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/2007/06/11/towards-a-general-theory-of-bdsm-andpower/
-- [back]
2. The origins of the Power and Control Wheel: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/training/
wheels.html -- Image of the Power & Control Wheel:
http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf -- Text of that wheel, and other
relevant wheels: http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=38490 -- [back]
3. Image of the Equality Wheel: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/Equality.pdf --
[back]
* * *
S&M: Aftercare or Brainwashing?
1. That study on intimacy again: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18563549 --
[back]
2. That awesome aftercare page again:
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/chrismaftercare.htm -- [back]
3. FormerWildChild's comment on my post:
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/10/18/there-it-is/ - comment-332491 --
[back]
4. Paper on people who experience orgasm while assaulted: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/
pubmed/15261004 -- [back]
5. First-person account of orgasm during a rape: http://www.netburst.net/hope/rape_orgasm.htm
-- [back]
6. The cycle of abuse: http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/cycle_of_violence.html -- [back]
7. Thomas's post on S&M mistakes:
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/theres-a-war-on-part-5-wallowing-inthe-sl-op/
-- [back]
* * *
Communication: Feminist S&M Lessons From the Seduction Community
1. PUALingo lists over 715 pickup artist terms: http://www.pualingo.com/puaterminology-list/
-- [back]
2. A PUA internal critique by a dude named Chris. I cross-posted it to my blog, and it's
also available as an appendix in my book Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/04/18/guest-post-detrimental-attitudes-of-the-pickupartist-community/
-- [back]
3. "Neg" definition: http://www.sosuave.com/articles/neghits.htm -- [back]
4. Neil Strauss on negs: http://www.neilstrauss.com/neil/what-separates-a-winner-from-aloser-is-2
-- [back]
5. Tyler Durden on negs: http://www.bristollair.com/2011/pua-seductionmethods/examining-different-pua-methods-pt-2/
-- [back]
6. This guy is a real asshole, and I dedicate most of a chapter in my book to explaining
how wrong he is about everything. Roissy on negs:
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/the-subtle-art-of-the-insidious-neg/ -- [back]
7. "If it wasn't for the pussy, there would be a bounty on [women]":
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/what-are-you-thinking-about/ - comment-
267855 -- [back]
8. Mark Manson on miserable PUA dudes: http://postmasculine.com/pickup-artist --
[back]
9. My interview with Neil Strauss: http://timeoutchicago.com/sex-dating/12914409/neilstrauss-interview
-- [back]
10. Feminist asks Clarisse why she's being generous to Strauss, on a feminist thread
deconstructing PUAs: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/03/25/i-totallyinterviewed-the-worlds-most-famous-pickup-artist/
- comment-357169 -- [back]
11. Anti-feminist doesn't like Strauss either:
http://www.inmalafide.com/blog/2011/04/12/kill-your-game-idols-part-2-straussschwyzer-and-spengler/
-- [back]
12. History of Ms. Magazine includes the erasure of BDSM:
http://nymag.com/print/?/news/features/ms-magazine-2011-11/ -- [back]
13. Jaclyn Friedman on how consent is not a lightswitch:
http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/u/Yes_Means_Yes/2010/11/9/Consent-Is-Not-A-
Lightswitch -- [back]
14. Salon interview with Tracy Clark-Flory:
http://www.salon.com/2011/10/30/a_sex_guide_for_todays_girls/singleton/ -- [back]
15. Discussion of forcing explicit communication on a feminist BDSM blog:
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-not-be-creepy.html?
showComment=1310928149621 - c6917844665418677680 -- [back]
16. Feminist site on sexual violence emphasizes non-verbal communication:
http://www.uwyo.edu/stop/Get Educated/sexualviolence.html -- [back]
17. Feminist argues that "PUAs rape women":
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/03/25/i-totally-interviewed-the-worlds-mostfamous-pickup-artist/
- comment-357951 -- [back]
18. PUA claims that "the first two 'no's don't mean much":
http://thesocialsecrets.com/2009/04/5-easy-ways-to-over-come-lmr-last-minute-sexualreservations/
-- [back]
19. David Shade on LMR: The Secrets of Female Sexuality, by David Shade. David
Shade Corporation, 2007. -- [back]
20. Mark Manson advises respecting LMR: http://www.practicalpickup.com/thecheerleader
-- [back]
21. PUA Detox: http://www.practicalpickup.com/the-guide-to-a-pua-detox -- [back]
* * *
S&M: The Strange Binary of Dominance and Submission
1. An article I wrote about submissive skills, and their value:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/01/16/submissive-skills/ -- [back]
* * *
Feminism: My Mom's Rape Story, and A Confused Relationship with Feminism
1. Susan Faludi's article on feminism's "Electra complex":
http://harpers.org/archive/2010/10/0083140 -- [back]
2. Study shows S&Mers not more likely to have experienced abuse:
http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/bondage-lovers-normal-maybe-even-happier/storye6frfkp9-1111117296864
-- [back]
3. Kleinplatz's paper on "Learning From Extraordinary Lovers":
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16803770 -- [back]
4. S&M and the psychiatric establishment: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/05/07/thepsychology-of-sm/
-- [back]
5. History of Ms. Magazine: http://nymag.com/news/features/ms-magazine-2011-11/ --
[back]
6. Piece that drew backlash: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/12/22/on-change-andaccountability/
-- [back]
7. Response piece to above: http://www.amptoons.com/blog/2011/12/28/on-change-andaccountability-a-response-to-clarisse-thorn/
-- [back]
8. Brilliant comments from saurus at Feministe:
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/10/17/call-out-culture-and-blogging-asperformance/
- comment-399410 and also:
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/12/31/on-change-and-accountability-aresponse-to-clarisse-thorn/
- comment-424091 -- [back]
9. Ariel Levy's 2009 article on feminist divisions: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/
books/2009/11/16/091116crbo_books_levy?currentPage=all -- [back]
* * *
* * *
* * *
Glossary
As I said in the introduction, I try to keep my writing as accessible as possible. One way I
do that is by avoiding jargon and by using terms that I think most people will recognize. I
often write "S&M" instead of "BDSM," for example; and when I'm using technical S&M
language like "top" or "bottom" or "scene," I try to define the words as I go along. But
sometimes I slip into jargon by accident. Also, plenty of S&M terms are super useful, and
giving a quick overview of S&M language can go a long way towards describing S&M
culture. Hence, this glossary. Many of the terms in the Glossary aren't terms that I used
in this book, but you might find it useful or interesting anyway. (I also included a few
terms that come from other subcultures, like polyamory or queer studies or feminism,
because why not.)
* * *
aftercare (BDSM): A cool-down period after an S&M encounter, which often involves
reassurance and a discussion of how things went. Aftercare is discussed a lot in this book,
especially in "Aftercare or Brainwashing?" (part 3).
blaming the victim (feminism): The faulty assumption that an assault survivor caused or
contributed to the assault.
bottom (BDSM): A blanket term for a masochist and/or submissive. Not everyone who is
a masochist is submissive, and vice versa.
cisgendered (queer studies): A term that means "not transgendered." For example,
Clarisse is a cis woman or a cisgendered woman. Here's an excellent essay by the trans
activist Asher Bauer describing why the word "cisgendered" is important:
http://carnalnation.com/content/49458/1067/word-day-cis
coming out (queer studies): Openly acknowledging one's sexual identity to oneself, one's
parents, one's friends, and other parts of one's community.
dominant (BDSM): A person who enjoys being in charge during an S&M encounter.
dungeon (BDSM): Dungeons can often be split into two types: those owned and staffed
by professionals, and those owned by people who are drawn to S&M for non-monetary
reasons. There is occasionally overlap between the two groups, but often there's less
overlap than one might think. Professional BDSM is frequently banned at nonprofessional
dungeons, and non-professional dungeons are frequently non-profit
organizations. Indeed, many non-professional dungeons could be described as
"community centers" for BDSMers. They're basically centralized nodes for BDSM
support, and they may host lectures, workshops, discussion groups, public parties, or
other meetups.
enthusiastic consent (feminism): A standard for ethical sex whereby one is expected not
just to have a consenting partner, but an enthusiastic and excited partner.
gender policing (feminism): Gender roles are defined by culture, and when a person
steps outside their gender role, that person will often be policed or attacked by other
members of the culture. For example, a USA man with long hair risks being mocked or
beaten up.
hard limit (BDSM): A strong, negative BDSM preference that is discussed ahead of
time. For example, a person who absolutely does not want to have anal sex would
describe anal sex as a hard limit. See also: soft limit.
heteronormative (queer studies): A term used to describe the cultural expectations of
"normal" heterosexual relationships. For example, the expectation that men are the ones
to pursue women during romantic interactions is heteronormative.
kink (BDSM): A specific preference. For example, if Clarisse enjoys being whipped,
then she has a kink for it. She could also say something like, "I kink on being whipped."
kinky (BDSM and others): A lot of BDSMers use "kinky" to mean "into BDSM."
However, there are some people who use the term more broadly and include practices
that aren't usually considered BDSM, such as polyamory or swing.
landmine (BDSM): An extremely sensitive psychological spot, sometimes hit
accidentally during BDSM play. This is discussed further within this book, in "What
Happens After An S&M Encounter 'Gone Wrong'" (part 3).
masochist (BDSM): A person who enjoys receiving pain.
New Relationship Energy (polyamory): The obsessive, irrational joy one feels after
starting a relationship with a new and awesome partner. Here's an article about it:
http://aphroweb.net/articles/nre.htm
out [of the closet] (queer studies): An adjective to describe a person who is open with
people outside her sexual subculture about her sexual identity.
play (BDSM): A verb for having an S&M encounter. For example, if Clarisse was
whipped by a gentleman, she might say that she "played with him." Clarisse once saw a
display at the Leather Archives & Museum claiming that in Old Guard Leather Culture
(i.e, gay men's S&M culture starting around the 1950s), the word was more often "work"
than "play" -- apparently, even S&M toys were usually called "tools."
play party (BDSM): A party where S&M can happen openly. Some play parties ban
sexual intercourse, while others don't.
polyamory: A community to support people who want to have multiple lovers and be
honest with everyone involved. Polyamory usually focuses more on an emotional
relationship than swing, but not always. The writer Franklin Veaux has a good Polyamory
101: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html And the blog Polyamory In The News has a
good post on the various distinctions between polyamory and swing:
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/12/polys-vs-swingers-as-viewed-from-
2010.html
primary relationship (polyamory): A relationship with more commitment and
expectations than other relationships. For example, a primary relationship might be one
where the participants live together and/or are married. Polyamorists sometimes disagree
about whether relationship hierarchies are desirable.
rape culture (feminism): A culture in which rape is prevalent and is maintained through
fundamental attitudes and beliefs about gender, sexuality, and violence, including rape
myths.
rape myths (feminism): Cultural ideas that make it harder to recognize, prosecute, and
heal from rape. For example, many people believe that rape usually happens to young,
"hot" women... but interviews with rapists show that they usually prioritize targets based
on how vulnerable they are, rather than how "hot" they are.
sadist (BDSM): A person who enjoys inflicting pain.
safeword (BDSM): A word that any S&M participant can say at any time to stop the
action. Safewords are extensively analyzed within this book, in the "The Annotated
Safeword" (part 1).
scene; The Scene (BDSM): The word scene is often used to indicate an S&M encounter.
For example, if Clarisse was whipped by some dude, she "had a scene" with him (or
some would say that she scened with him). The Scene is also sometimes used to indicate
the public S&M community -- the dungeons, workshops, lectures, discussion groups, and
meetups that create an open network of BDSMers in many areas.
secondary relationship (polyamory): A relationship with less commitment and fewer
expectations than other relationships. Polyamorists sometimes disagree about whether
relationship hierarchies are desirable.
soft limit (BDSM): A weak, negative BDSM preference that is discussed ahead of time.
For example, a person may strongly dislike anal sex, but be willing to have anal sex in
certain contexts, like when he's really turned on; in that case, anal sex would be a soft
limit. See also: hard limit.
squick (BDSM): A feeling of not wanting to participate in an act, without judging others
for doing it. For example, if a BDSMer feels sick at the sight of blood yet doesn't want to
express disgust towards blood fetishists, then she might describe herself as squicked by
blood. The BDSM subculture generally places a high value on recognizing that one can
be squicked by an act, without judging it.
submissive (BDSM): A person who enjoys receiving orders or otherwise accepting an
experience defined by a partner.
swing: A community to support people who want to have sex with multiple people and
be honest with everyone involved. Unlike polyamorists, swingers usually don't
emphasize developing emotional connections in secondary relationships, but this isn't
always true. Clarisse is less familiar with swing than polyamory, but some swingers
emailed her this Swing 101: http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/faq.php?
faq=swinger_faq And the blog Polyamory In The News has a good post on the various
distinctions between polyamory and swing: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/12/
polys-vs-swingers-as-viewed-from-2010.html
switch (BDSM): A person who feels comfortable in either the top or the bottom role.
top (BDSM): A blanket term for a sadistic and/or dominant partner. Not everyone who is
sadistic is dominant, and vice versa.
vanilla (BDSM): A term to describe people who aren't into BDSM, or sexual acts that
aren't perceived as BDSM. Some folks describe so-called "slightly BDSM" people or acts
as french vanilla. Sometimes, non-BDSM people are offended by being described as
vanilla, which Clarisse thinks is silly, but she often avoids the term anyway and says "not
into S&M" instead.
ze (queer studies): A gender-neutral pronoun, also written as "xie." The possessive
version is "zir" or "xir" or, sometimes, "hir."
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